Some people have asked to read the commencement address I delivered this morning to the 2013 graduates of Butler University. So here it is.
My own commencement speaker, who shall remain nameless, began with a lame joke about how these speeches only come in two varieties: Short and bad. This…
spanish and italian: So THESE words are feminine and THESE words are masculine, and you ALWAYS put an adjective AFTER the noun.
french: haha i dont fuckin know man just do whatever
german: LET'S ADD A NEUTRAL NOUN HAHA
english: *shooting up in the bathroom*
gaelic: the pronounciation changes depending on the gender and what letter the word starts and ends with and hahah i dont even know good fucking luck
polish: here have all of these consonants have fun
japanese: subject article noun article verb. too bad there's three fucking alphabets lmao hope your first language isn't western
welsh: sneeze, and chances are you've got it right. idfk
chinese: here's a picture. draw it. it means something. it can be pronounced three different ways. these twenty other pictures are pronounced the same but have very different meanings. godspeed.
Arabic: so here's this one word. it actually translates to three words. also pronouns don't really exist. the gender is all in the verb. have fun!
Latin: here memorize 500 charts and then you still dont know what the fuck is happening
Sign Language: If you move this sign by a tenth of an inch, you'll be signing "penis"
This big thing — maybe it’s your college graduation, or the start of a job you were really hoping for, or your wedding, or having a baby — is coming. And yes, it’s a happy thing. But it’s also a terrifying thing.
So while people are — and should be! — happy for you, it’s OK to have mixed…
This is extremely relevant to me right now… countdown to college graduation and being a “real” adult: T-minus 12 days!!!!!! Holy moly.
